Sept. 11, 1996

I spent the night with Bon last night. To say the least, it was not what I expected. I got over there and a little while later we started to mess around and she stopped and asked me why I wanted to be with her. I asked her what she meant and she said "Do you just want to have sex?" I told her no, that it was because I love her. Then, she told me all this stuff about how she feels good about herself and she realizes now that she doesn’t have to like everyone and they don’t have to like her – that she didn’t like Lynda and her dad was an old drunk. She just seemed so cold. I don’t understand why she’s trying to shut everyone out. It seems like she doesn’t want anyone to help her get where she’s going. She said she didn’t want anything to hold her back. She wants to be around people with power and who are motivated. I mean, I realize that I’m not the most motivated person right now, but it’s almost like she thinks I’m not good enough to hang around. Amber asked me how big a bat did she have to use to get through to me. She seems to think it’s over. It probably is, I just can’t face it now. I want so much to believe that there’s a chance. That I am something to be missed. I just want her to want me again; for something other than sex. I mean, I love being with her, and if there’s a good chance that we’ll get back together, then it would be different, but it’s just too much to be able to do that and know I have to let go.