Sept. 22, 1996

I just got back from Bonnie’s house. We had a really good time together. And the weird thing is we didn’t do anything much at all. We just sat around and watched TV and talked and munch a lot. It was really fun. She said she likes having me as a girlfriend. That makes me feel good, but I’m not gonna talk or think about it too much. I’ve become way superstitious. I asked her if she was gonna marry me one day. She just made a little face and smiled. I’m going over there and taking the dog Tuesday. I have no idea what we’re gonna do.

I got home and my mom was mad because I didn’t go get her some ice cream. She says she has nothing to look forward to. And of course, she thinks everything is Bonnie’s fault. It really pisses me off that she’s starting all this crap again. She said she wants me to be happy and for me to be with Bonnie if that is what will make me happy. That’s such bullshit. I know she has this borderline personality thing, but I can’t excuse all the stuff she says. I just have to get the hell out of here. It seems like just when I’m starting to get things under control in one aspect, something else happens. Of course, she’s gonna put herself in between me and Bonnie. She’s gonna pull every string she can. Bring the dog back over there, you’d do it for her, you let her make your decisions for you, blah, blah blah. Why does she have to do that? Why can’t she for once not turn this into a everyone hates Janice and no one cares about me, my life sucks and it’s everybody’s fault but my own drama act. I swear she can’t understand why things suck, but she goes out of her way to make sure they do. Whatever…I am just gonna do what I can to get through the whole thing. Just what I need; another challenge! Yippee!!

(A poem in a page towards the back of the journal, dated Sept. 22, 1996)

I look in your eyes
Wild with desire
And your heart beats fast
As you await my touch
Lips parted slightly
Eyes closed
You lower yourself to me
Skin touching
Warm and soft
I kiss your neck and mouth
A slight sound escapes you
Helpless with passion
You are wet with sweat
From me, from us
My body is hot like
Fire of a thousand suns
Yearning for your
Rough tenderness
Strong yet yielding
Forcing me to let go
And drift into you.