November 1, 2005 (10:18pm)
Here’s a letter I wrote to Victoria:
Hi, Victoria…
I’m heading to my first meeting with Sarah at the counselling centre in New West tomorrow, so wish me luck. I’m a little weirded out, but we’ll see how it goes.
I know this will be slightly long, but I wanted to share with you something very significant that happened yesterday….well, I guess saying it “happened” doesn’t really give me credit for having taken a chance and going for it.
I decided that, after all these years, I was going to talk to my dad about his absence throughout most of my life, his lack of action when my uncle molested me when I was 5, etc. I’ve realized that, because of him having “left”, I’ve developed, over the years, some pretty serious abandonment issues, which have led to me being clingy and jealous and controlling with people who I really love and am really fearful of losing (ie: Tracey, at this point in time). I recognize that my behaviour with Tracey, though not physically violent, is somewhat abusive in that I seem to be attempting to control what things I can in the situation, due to my lack of control in other areas (ie: Her opening up, intimacy, etc.). It’s very hard for me to admit this, but I was reading some stuff on the internet, one article in particular titled “How to recognize an abuser” and I’m like “holy shit, I see myself in a lot of these things!!” I was really freaked out and, on the spur of the moment, decided to call my dad the next day.
I called him while he was at work to “warn” him that I wanted to talk to him. So, I called him last night and told him that I’m having a hard time and am trying to work through some things and I felt like I needed to talk to him about some things that might help me get over some things that have been affecting me for a long time.
So, I told him that I have abadonment issues and I think it stems from him not being around when I was a kid. Not long into our conversation, he pointed out something to me that had never occurred to me in all these years – it was my mom and I who moved from Mississippi to Louisiana and that he had even brought us back to Mississippi when my mom got really sick and my mom and I moved back to Louisiana a year later because, at that point, I had gone to school, made friends (including my best friend who is still my best friend to this day), etc. and Louisiana was what I knew at that point. It never occurred to me that it was US who left. Sure, he could’ve tried harder to be around more and be a more active participant in my life, but I’ve always perceived it as HIM leaving ME.
I talked with him and learned that his father was never around either. My grandmother wasn’t ready to “settle down” and my grandfather went back to W. Virginia where he was from and my dad had my great grandfather as a surrogate father. He, too, has sort of searched his whole life for someone to fill that void and had become closer to my grandfather before he died several years ago. He said that he didn’t really have a role model for being a father, either and that he did try to give me the things that I wanted to make up for not being there more.
I also learned that he was not the “ladies man” that my mom has always made him out to be. He told me that he has only been with 7 women his entire life (he’s 54), though from the way my mom told the story, he was catting around on her with any and everyone, though he told me he did cheat on her with one person not long before they were separated and that everyone else he dated was after they were separated or divorced. I also didn’t know that my mom was the first person he really dated after a short stint in the air force after high school. He was 21 when they got married and she was 17 in a family of 7 kids with a widowed mother and, in retrospect, probably just wanted to get out of there, as her 3 brothers were hell on wheels. I know she really loved him and that’s why she’s never really been able to get over it.
I also talked to him about how I have been dealing with feelings surfacing about my uncle having molested me since I saw him for the first time since I’ve been an adult when I visited Louisiana last December. I told him that I didn’t understand why there were no consequences for anyone in the situation, except me, who has had to live with what happened being in my head all my life. I was talking to my mom about it as well and was surprised to find that they both said that I never told them exactly what happened, that I had said he had “tried something”. I said that it’s no wonder because a child of five years old doesn’t have any understanding or vocabulary for that type of stuff. He said that he didn’t know exactly what had happened and didn’t know if he wanted to (same response as my mom, actually). I told him that I wasn’t raped, but it wasn’t far off. He was upset to hear me talking about it and said he wished there was something he could do to make me feel better and that he was sorry it had happened and that he had had a pretty “strong” talk with my uncle when I told my mom.
I talked about a lot of stuff, including saying that I know the “gay thing” has been an issue but that, it’s just the way it is and that I’ve had crushes on women since before I understood what a crush was. I told him that I could probably sleep with a guy and that it wouldn’t be horrible but I just don’t have the emotional or relationship connection with men that I have with women.
I told him that I didn’t feel like he really knew me and that I didn’t really feel like I knew him either, but that I’d like to. I told him that it’d be good for us to both try harder and try to commit to meeting somewhere once a year or something to hang out together for a few days for a mini-vacation so we could get to know each other better. I told him I didn’t want to be one of those people who regretted, after their parents are gone, having not tried to nurture relationships with people who are important in my life.
Essentially, I came away feeling so much better about him and not feeling so rejected by him anymore. I realized that it wasn’t all him and that my mom’s emotionally-charged perspective and the fact that she had been so hurt by him has influenced the story I’ve been told all my life. I have to say that my self-esteem feels a little less battered today and I feel like I’ve overcome a few major questions that have made me into the person who I am today – both good and bad. I feel like maybe it’s not so much that I’m lacking value so people find it easy to leave me. It’s a relief to say the least.
I feel like maybe now I can pull back from Tracey a little and let her come to me, because I don’t feel so much now as if it would be a lack on my part if things don’t work out and that I’m doomed to rejection and to being left. I know it will be work and take time to adjust the way I act and react, but I’m trying to start being more aware when I feel like falling into it and trying to choose not to and to have the conversation in my head that makes me remind myself of my newfound epiphany.
I feel really tired today and I’m not sure if it’s because of all the emotional stuff or not, but I’m sure it has something to do with it.
Anyhow, sorry this is so long, but I feel like I wanted to share it with you because it’s really significant and I thought you might be proud of me. 🙂