Wednesday, November 2, 2005 12:00pm (midnight)
I started with a new therapist today at the New West/UBC Counselling Centre. Her name is Sarah (Lucas) and she’s 30, which is weird. I don’t know how I feel about getting “advice” from someone younger than me, but I’ll give it a go. It was her idea for me to keep a regular journal of stuff on my mind during the day and dreams if I can remember them.
Today was OK: my car has been in the shop for three days and they fainlly figured it was the passenger door locks. Trace and I went for a walk, did some laundry and Laina came over – we went to Red Robin and watched Martha’s Apprentice and CSI-NY. I got a pepper plant which I’m sure Ferris will have eaten soon. I finally cleaned up my patio – what a disgusting mess that was!
On Monday (Halloween) I finally decided that I needed to talk to my dad about his absence and about Mike having molested me. It was a great conversation and I learned a lot about my dad that I never knew. He’s not the whoremonger Mom always made him out to be. He also didn’t have a dad around either. I told him I’d like for us to get together once a year or so and hang out doing stuff for a few days. He asked me if all this stuff I talked to him about was why I wouldn’t say I love him when we’re hanging up the phone. I guess I’m not the only one who has been insecure!
He said he was really glad we talked and I feel such a huge relief that he didn’t really “leave me” – actually it was Mom and I who left – sure he could’ve done better, but we all could, right? I really hope things will be better between us from now on. It would be nice to have a Dad while he’s still around. Somehow, I feel liberated by having talked to him. I feel like my self-esteem has been boosted for some reason. I feel a bit more confident about my value as a person and my worthiness of love and that maybe I’m not someone that people want to leave after all.
Though I know it’s sorta silly, I sent an email to Traci Lords to say that reading her book had somehow inspired me to have the talk with my dad. Would be cool if she wrote back, but I’m not holding my breath!
I’ve been reeling really tired lately, but I’ve been getting some stuff done around the house, etc. So, I don’t feel like a total slug! Must work on summarizing my entries better, but this is the first of my (hopefully) daily entries, so I had a little catching up to do! Wonder if I’ll have weird dreams tonight. Off to read some more of Martha’s book on business!