I’ve always been someone who gets excited about the little things in life – cute little birdies eating of my hand in the park,  when Ferris comes to lie next to me on the couch or when I get in bed, seeing my old toys at my mom’s house for the first time in ages, getting a watch that I really like or a fake airbrushed-on tattoo at the PNE.  I think it’s important to enjoy the small things because, let’s face it, the big stuff doesn’t come around very often, so why wait around for something that will blow our minds when there’s so many smaller things we can appreciate that, together, might just add up to a few big ones.

Today, I was sitting at my desk and Ferris jumped up and stood on my lap and wanted me to pet her. She’s a bit neurotic at times, but she’s pretty laid back at the same time – Tracey can pick her up over her head, stretched out like a trophy to be mounted on the wall and she just looks around, admiring the view from a higher altitude.  Sometimes, when she jumps up, I’ll wrap my arms around the other side of her so that essentially, her legs are dangling.  I pet her and stuff and today I noticed that I like the smell of her fur.  I have noticed it a few times before, too, but today I realized that I find it somehow comforting. 

I’ve never been a motherly type (no kids and no plans to have any), but she’s essentially my child.  I love her for her good AND bad points and she makes me smile and is company to me when I feel lonely.

 I’ve had several pets in my life that I’ve had to give up for various reasons – relationships broke up, my mom and I moved from Mississippi back to Louisiana, couldn’t afford a pet deposit, etc.  I had a list that I wrote a while back of things I wanted to have and do and be in my life and one of the items on the list was to have a pet that I kept for its entire life, regardless of how my situation changes.  I always felt bad that I had to give Que up when Bonnie and I split up. He stayed with a couple of different friends and then with me at my mom’s house and it never worked out.  So, I had to end up calling the lady that my mom got Garcon from and she came to pick Que up.  My mom said he ended up with a couple that lived in West Virginia or something like that, so hopefully he has or had – I wonder if he’s still alive – a good life after he left.  I hope so. I felt so guilty and worried about what would happen to him.  But, I guess everyone makes bad decisions and doesn’t stick by them when they’re young.  So, it’s important to me now that I take care of Ferris and keep her no matter what.  She’s actually the first cat that I’ve had that I’ve raised from a kitten and kept for this long.  She was born in 2003 – I think she’s a Leo, born in late July or early August, I’m not sure. I can’t believe she’s already 4!

I went for a walk earlier today at the park.  The weather wasn’t great – overcast, cool and humid (which actually makes it easier for me to breathe), but I didn’t mind. The somber tone of everything matched my mood.  I chucked some nuts to the squirrels and ducks along the way and was happy that I had taken the initiative to get a little exercise.  I wore my pedometer and clocked about 1.6 miles roundtrip.

Tracey and I got into a little tussle last night when she was acting pouty and I asked her what was wrong. She said she felt depressed, so I asked about what and she said about this little dog she babysat on Monday – a cute little dachshund named Charlie that belongs to one of the ADs on the show she’s working on.  I just couldn’t understand how she could have any sort of significant feelings about a dog that she’s basically hung out with twice.  I mean, Christ, I’ve been around for 5+ years and I don’t see her react that way towards me.  I know it sounds stupid to be jealous of a dog – but that’s not the thing.  It’s that, when I see her allowing herself to feel something for a dog or a movie or whatever, I know it’s possible for her to open up and access her feelings.  Yet, in the context of our relationship, she doesn’t allow that to come out.  So, it pisses me off when I see that she CAN do it, but CHOOSES not to, which then affects me in a very real way in my daily life.

So, I was exasperated about it, but I apologized because she said that when I react that way, it doesn’t make her want to open up to me at all.  But, when we got back from SaveOn, we ended up in a little spat and she, yet again, left and went home.  It didn’t really bother me but I started thinking about it and realized that I shouldn’t invalidate her feelings just because I don’t understand them.  It’s just my entanglement in the situation that makes it hard for me to empathize at this point.  I sent her an email today apologizing and explaining to her why I react the way I do and that I feel very alone on my own little island and that, if she wants us to continue together, she has to meet me halfway – not stick the tip of her toe in the pool and retreat to the shore at the first sign of a splash, but jump in with both feet.  Things just won’t work – or even improve – the way that she’s handling it now and I have no control over things changing, which is the most maddening part about it.

I’ve not heard from her all day except for a quick email she sent to tell me that Kat Von D was on Ellen – I didn’t get to watch it because I was recording the 2nd episode of America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 9.  I don’t really feel bad or angry or anything.  I just feel calm, tired and at ease for the most part.  She did say “Love You” in her email, so I wonder if she thought I was going to call after she sent that.  I’m content to just chill and let her do some of the work for a change, not that I want to make it into playing a game.  

Now, I’m lying on the couch, watching a couple of shows I recorded and, damnit, I missed the Premiere of Bionic Woman twice today!  I have it on my computer, so I can watch it anyway, but I wanted to record it when it came on.

To bring this post full circle, I’m just enjoying the small things today – a nice walk, eating a couple of healthy meals (bran flakes, banana and skim milk for breakfast and pork chops and brown/wild rice for dinner), snuggling my critters (I’ll talk more about Beauty later, he’s a whole other ball of wax!) and watching some TV in the peace and quiet.

Back to it now!