No Eye Deer

So, I went to the doctor on Tuesday to have him look at my eye, sure I was being a hypochondriac. He looks at the eye, puts some drops in that make me see yellow for a few seconds (insta-tinting – cool! lol) and then gives me a ‘scrip for antibiotic eye drops which, according to the directions on the bottle, I’m supposed to “instill” 4 times daily for five days. Also, no wearing of contacts during this time. THIS BLOWS!

My glasses are about 8 years old – got them when Manon and I were still living in Louisiana – have scratches on them and generally suck for trying to live a normal life as far as seeing remotely clearly. Obviously, this makes working somewhat difficult. Couple this with the fact that I’m not used to wearing glasses, so I’m given the added bonus of feeling nauseated periodically throughout the day when my eyes have had enough of the head-moves-center-of-visual-focus-moves business. The lenses in these glasses are high-index and therefore anything that’s not directly in front of me has an orange outline. So fucking annoying!!! I cannot imagine four more days of not being able to wear my contacts and, thus, having to wear these shitty glasses that make me feel legally blind. I know I seem like a total whiner, but for the past 10 years or more, the only time I’ve worn glasses is at night just before I go to bed and in the morning when I just wake up before I get dressed and put in my contacts. So, it’s a huge change in the way I see to be wearing glasses – which afford nearly no peripheral vision and are weaker than my contact prescription – all day and night which, given how motion-sickness prone I am, ain’t jivin’ with my already-pissed-off-at-me stomach.

One thing I have to say is that I’ve at least gotten more used to being outside or just out of the house wearing them. Actually went to the park for a walk with Tracey this morning and it wasn’t TOO weird, compared to before this when I couldn’t stand being out of my apartment wearing glasses because it’s so disorienting. Also went to SaveOn and PetSmart to pick up some cat food and litter and stopped by the new Starbucks on that side of the Byrne Road shopping centre and Tracey bought me the most adorable thing on Earth – I seriously get weepy-eyed looking at the thing. It’s just so cute and sweet it just kills me!

It’s the 2008 Starbucks Easter Bearista – it’s essentially their little stuffed bear that they have dressed in various costumes for different holidays and seasons of the year. This one is a little bear wearing a bunny outfit, complete with hoodie with bunny ears. Oh, my GOD! It even has little holes in the hoodie just behind the rabbit ears for his little bear ears to stick through. I could just squeeze the thing to pieces, it’s so sweet! I’m pasting in a link to a picture just so anyone who reads this can see how irresistible the little sucker is!

Tracey started her web site building class tonight and said her teacher looks exactly like the lady in Transamerica. lol Too funny. She seems to be really excited about it and interested in it, so that’s good. It’s nice when she finds something that interests her that’s productive and positive. I’m happy to help her with stuff that she learns as she goes along. Apparently, they’re teaching them how HTML works.

I talked to Lynn today and was surprised she’d be returning messages after just having had her new baby girl – Meredith Kayley Roberts – on Monday. I told her she’s in for it having two kids that are Aries! haha It’s weird because the two kids’ birthdays are on March 27th and 31st, so Ava is 2 years and 4 days older than her new baby sister. I left Lynn a message yesterday saying congrats after she sent pics of the new baby and also posted some stuff on Facebook. She asked me to send out her newsletter for April, so I just started the sending a little while ago.

Dolly Parton was on American Idol last night and tonight and, my God, she is amazing. She is such an awesome songwriter. The contestants each picked a song of hers to perform and all the songs were awesome, in spite of so-so performances by a few of the people on the show – still better than I could ever do, however! I liked this one song called Little Sparrow and Jolene and Smoky Mountain Memories. There was another song that I knew I’d heard before on the soundtrack of a movie and it turned out to be on the Transamerica soundtrack. Funny tie-in to Tracey’s teacher. hahaha

Something really weird happened yesterday. I was walking to SaveOn to pick up my eye drops and, for no apparent reason, was singing Randy Travis’ song “Forever and Ever Amen” while I was walking down the sidewalk. I have no idea why – I’ve not heard the song recently or anything. Then, Tracey gets home from work and is having me listen to some YouTube clips of this Irish lady – Mary Duff – doing covers of famous country songs. One of them is, yup, “Forever and Ever Amen”. Too weird! Of all the songs ever written, I was randomly singing the very same song Tracey has me listen to later that night. *cue Twilight Zone music*

I sent my dad an email on Tuesday telling him that it hurt my feelings that he didn’t call on my birthday and then emails me two days later to tell me to call him on the weekend. I also mentioned that I really feel like he’s still holding back on me as far as allowing our relationship to be closer. Honestly, I still feel like it has something to do with his obviously-domineering wife. But, I dare not say that to him, even though anyone who knows them is of the same opinion as me. Here’s what I wrote to him:

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Dad,

Got the card/gift you sent in the mail yesterday. Have the Angel of Hope hanging on my bulletin board next to my desk. Thanks. 🙂

Sorry to hear you’ve been under the weather. I’ve been off and on sick with alternating headache/stomachache since last Tuesday, so dunno if I have some sort of bug or if it’s stress-related. In any case, it’s getting old in a hurry and I’m hoping to feel better soon.

I have a little bone to pick….would have been nice to get a call on the ole birthday – long distance can’t cost THAT much for just a couple of minutes, eh? Even Emily and my friend who just moved to Utah from here called from their respective locations, so it hurt my feelings not to hear from you, even just for 2 minutes to say “hi, happy birthday, ok gotta go”. Generally, I don’t mind doing the calling and waiting til the weekend and stuff like that, but sometimes I think the “rules” just shouldn’t apply, you know?

I dunno. Sometimes, I just feel like there’s something going on under the surface that you’re just not saying. I mean, if you look at it from my point of view, if someone doesn’t want to spend a few bucks to call once in a while (especially on a birthday!), it doesn’t seem very likely that they’d go to the trouble to get a passport and pay for a plane ticket to come up and visit, right? And, I feel your discomfort every time I bring it up. Do you not WANT to ever come and see me???? I’ve been down there three times now and it’s cost me about $3,000 every time I come down there on top of not working while I’m gone, which means I’m not earning anything since I don’t get paid vacation from my job.

I’ve told you a number of times that I really wish we had a better, closer relationship. And, I’m glad we are talking more often and stuff like that. But, I still feel like I’m chasing after you. I’m your one and only child and we only get one go-round and I still feel like you’re holding back, keeping me at arm’s length.

I don’t want a talk-once-in-a-while, good-enough type surface-y relationship with my parents. But, if I’ve learned anything, it’s that you can only do your own part and the rest is up to the other person in any relationship, be it friendship, family, business or romantic relationships. As uncomfortable as it may be, I think it makes more sense to be up-front about things and try to discuss them. I’d be happy to hear your thoughts.

Hope you’re feeling better.

Carly

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Maybe it’s harsh, but I don’t give a shit. I’m not the sit-around-and-say-nothing variety when it comes to my feelings being hurt about something. Why should I be? He’s supposed to care about how I feel, right? And, I think it’s bullshit for him to get to sit around feeling all hunky dory about what a good father he’s being now that we talk once in a while and stuff. Let’s just say that if I don’t feel like he’s actually making an effort to be closer to me, my feelings of obligation to him when he’s older will be seriously compromised.

Need to try to get to sleep, so I’m outtie for now. God, I’ll be glad when I’m feeling more positive. Otherwise, I’m gonna have to rename my journal Bitchfest. *sigh* Sorry, Mr. Frankenfurter!

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