(Pasted in from an email reply I sent to Frank.)

Yes, got your text/VM. My cell bill is going to be unbelievably high from all the long distance calls I’ve made, txts I’ve sent and received and all that, so I’m trying to fly under the radar and have people call my Dad’s cell or my mom’s house when I’m over there.

I finally got into Baton Rouge at 9:30am and we went directly to my mom’s house and were there for a couple of hours, just looking through stuff to get a gauge on what I’m up against and trying to locate the things she said she wanted for her service – dress, jewelry and stuff. I also swiped a few things as I saw them – a ring my dad had given her eons ago and a silver ID bracelet with her name on it that I’d been thinking about wanting for a while.

There is SO much stuff in there, it’s just overwhelming. A lot of it is really cool stuff – a lot of 70s/80s dishes, recipe books and stuff from when I was a kid that I just can’t bear to part with. I just don’t know how I’m going to get everything up to Canada. Trying to imagine getting all this done before the 14th seems rather unbelievable. I don’t know what’s going to happen since she won’t get another SS check and the house note still has to be paid until it’s sold or someone moves in and starts paying rent. It needs work – some light fixtures need some work or replacing, both front and back doors need replacing and, eventually, the roof and central A/C unit needs to be replaced.  WTF do I DO?  It’s a shame that my life is not down here – I’d have my own house right now.  I’m so conflicted.

Worst of all, EVERYONE wants to talk to me a hundred times a day. I get a call from my cousin and say I don’t feel like talking right then and I’m on the phone for 20 more minutes. Then, my aunt calls, then my uncle. I’m bordering on getting rude with people, but I just have them coming at me from all directions.  Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate all the support, but it’s just hard to field so much in a day.

My dad has been great. Picked me up at the airport and helped me go through mom’s house looking at different stuff and throwing out small things that were obviously garbage. He saw some stuff in there that brought back some memories for him, too, so I think it was a bit weird for him. Becky came by and I gave her all the food in the cupboards and the freezer so it wouldn’t go to waste. I also gave her two giant bags of pills and there’s two more small plastic totes full of more pills and needles and stuff for insulin. Also found a full carton of god-damned, motherfucking, murdering bastard cigarettes.

Emily came by for a while and she said she’s going to take a few days off next week to help me sort through the house stuff.  I have to decide if I want to do an estate sale once I’ve taken the things I want and let my family have a few things, too.

I feel so weird towards my dad in a way. I almost feel like I want to push him away, like I feel almost angry or resentful towards him – for no reason, obviously. He’s done nothing but be sweet and understanding and helpful. Marlene has been very helpful, too. She was helping me make a list re: mom’s service arrangements. Trying to get the right photos, figure out what to put in there with her and find a good version of the song she wants played. There’s just so much.  For as long as I can remember, my mom and I have been emotionally intertwined, perhaps somewhat dependent, in spite of how rocky our relationship has been my whole life. We loved each other so much. And, for as long as I can remember, I’ve felt the need to protect or take care of her – felt responsible for her happiness and wellbeing. I feel a big empty hole now. I’m in uncharted territory. Mom’s been my primary parent my whole life and now she’s gone. I just can’t wrap my head – or heart – around it.

I gathered a bunch of photos and postcards that I’ve sent mom, along with all the mail I found lying around and brought it here in a big duffel bag. I swore that I had brought the cross mom said she wanted to wear and this nice picture I found of her from when she was younger, but I apparently walked out without either of them, so now I have to find someone to bring me back over there, possibly tomorrow, to get the stuff.

Deidre and Jason (her brother) are coming down tomorrow morning. They’re en route now but stopping at a relative’s to crash for the night about halfway here. I may ask her to take me to mom’s and I’ll pay for gas.

I am so exhausted, but I feel like I’ll never be able to sleep again. It’s hard to describe. Maybe, partially, I’m afraid I’ll dream about her or wake up realizing it’s the first time I’ve woken up in my life without a mother. That is just….crushing. My heart is broken.

God, I can’t believe this is actually happening.