Tuesday, August 11, 2009 – 4:53am – Beddinghampshire, Burnaby, BC
Unlike many previous nights when I would still be awake at this time, I actually went to sleep at 11:30pm. I was so tired, I fell asleep in no time. Then, I woke up at 3:30am, tossing and turning and, in spite of my best efforts, was not able to get back to sleep. So, I figured I’d mess around on the computer for a bit in hopes of getting sleepy again.
Monday was a pretty good day. Woke up around noon or so – still later than I’d like, but I’m just thankful for any full night’s stretch of sleep when I have them.
(Continued at 1:54pm)
I made a few calls to some old clients and to Annette and Nicole to try and stir up some new work. Talked to Annette for a good while and Nicole, too. Most everyone else was just leaving a message on voice mail. Have a bunch of other stuff on my list to do, too, but it was an OK start for a Monday! I sent in an application for a part-time design job at the Legal Services Society. Not to keen on the idea of a regular job, but need to do something to improve my financial situation.
I made a yummy late-breakfast meal of an omelette with tomatoes and onions, baked beans and toast. It was tasty! Better yet, I have all the makings of another meal without having to chop anything. Going to have that later. It was cooler and drizzling most of the day, but I went out for a jog at the park anyhow. Feels good to get some exercise!
Talked to Bonnie on IM for a few minutes then ended up talking to her on the phone for almost 2 hours, then a little more on IM before she headed off to bed. I had forgotten how easy she is to talk to. She was really a good friend to me once upon a time and I hope to re-cultivate that friendship going forward. Obviously, the historical circumstances of our relationship makes it a little harder to want to get attached.
In talking to Bonnie, I realized something about myself that I hadn’t recognized before. I noticed that, when something is too difficult for me to bear emotionally, I seem to just turn off the feelings about that thing altogether. I’ve never thought of myself as a person who is emotionally shut-down at all, but I see a pattern when I think about it more deliberately. Like now, it’s hard for me to imagine my relationship with Bonnie and how I felt about her way back then. It’s like it just didn’t happen and, when I think about it now, I don’t have any real feelings about it at all. No sadness, no real memory of how deeply I felt at the time. I realize it’s also similar to how I feel about Manon now, though I never really thought I’d feel that way about her. Now, it’s just like it never happened. No real feelings of attachment or anything. Very odd. In a way, I think I’ve done a similar thing with my Dad, too. I can’t seem to get past that fear of rejection to really let myself attach to him in the ways I wish I could. And, I’m realizing that I have also done a similar thing with Tracey, now. I’ve not talked to her since Saturday afternoon and I just don’t really feel anything at all.
I don’t like the idea of having a hard time opening up emotionally or with giving or receiving affection, but I am realizing that those are things that have changed about me – maybe I just didn’t fully recognize it before? – and it’s something I definitely want to work on, though I’m not sure how. I know it’s all unconscious attempts at self-preservation, but I don’t want to be impaired from being fully open and loving and affectionate in future relationships as a result of past hurts.
Bonnie told me that her step-daughter is working on her senior high school project and it relates to graphic design. She said that one of the things she needed to research was the value of design, as in why is it important or necessary and she asked me if I could send her something on that topic. While I was awake earlier this morning, I wrote out an article about the value of design in the world, in business and from an individual perspective. It turned out to be a pretty interesting article. Just got an email back from Bonnie and she said it was great and that Michelle said she wishes I lived down there, so I could be her mentor for the project. Awwww. 🙂
I went back to sleep around 6:30am, but had a hard time falling asleep even though I was tired. Woke up around 12:30pm.
Joyce is coming by tomorrow to discuss her newsletter and her web site, etc. I already told them what they need to do, what software they need to get, etc. to be able to update the template and send it out themselves, so I don’t know where the confusion comes in. I guess we’ll iron that out tomorrow.
Need to get moving and work on the Pedersen’s web site again and send an invoice to PaceSetter for the time I spent on their business cards and letterhead.