Tuesday, June 29, 2010 – My desk, NALH office, Burnaby, BC

I’m feeling mega stressed-out today, when really I should feel relatively calm. It’s daunting the idea of trying to recall all the stuff that’s happened since my last entry a month ago. I’ll try to summarize…

I’ve been running around so much lately that I barely have time to talk to anyone. I’ve only talked to Deidre once or twice in recent memory. She was on vacation in Florida for a while and I talked to her once then.  My dad has had some dental work done and then found out he had a torn retina, so had to have surgery on that.

Jackie has been in the hospital in the mental health ward since June 3rd with God knows what. They’re not sure if it was a bad reaction to the Seroquel the doctor put her on or just a manifestation of her anxiety issues, but she’s been pretty out of it. I’ve been to see her 6-8 times in the past couple of weeks. It’s been really weird because she barely talks, doesn’t really make eye contact or anything. She’s basically catatonic.  When I saw her last Thursday, she seemed like she was a bit more “awake” since they took her off the Lithium they had her on. Poor kid. She’s only 24. She was in the hospital on her birthday. Mario has been an angel to her – goes to work and then spends all evening at the hospital every night. I told him that he’s a really good guy and that Jackie is lucky to have him. I know what he’s going through in having someone he loves being in a place like that. It’s so hard to go in and see her myself, as it really does bring back memories of when my Mom was in there, but I think I’ve been handling it a lot better than I’d have imagined. I was going to see her tonight, but I feel like crap and have had headaches off and on (mostly on) for the past 5 days.

For Laina’s birthday on the 16th, we went to Deserving Thyme spa downtown and had a massage, then went shopping for her some clothes, then out to dinner at Hart House. I was not remotely impressed with our dinner and it cost a friggin’ fortune, even though I had a $25 gift certificate they sent me when I joined the Burnaby Board of Trade.

We’re flying down to San Francisco on Thursday for the long weekend. I’ve never been to California, so I’m pretty excited about it, though nervous, as I always get when I travel, especially to someplace where I’m expected to go out and do tons of stuff and have a good time. How stupid that I get anxious about having fun. WTF? Well, it’s more the idea of something happening and not feeling well when I’m that far away from home, I guess.

Speaking of health…I went to three different doctors week before last. Eye doctor on Monday, follow-up with Dr. Tan re: blood work on Wednesday and the podiatrist on Friday.  My eye prescription for contacts is the same. I told Dr. Tan I was frustrated that I haven’t been losing any weight even when I was doing crazy amounts of exercise and have been eating better. She checked my blood pressure and said it’s high and that she will put me on pills for it unless it comes down in the next few months. Great, something else to worry about health-wise. *sigh* Podiatrist said I have plantar fasciitis in my right foot. He sent me to have xrays to make sure I don’t have a heel spur and took molds of my feet for custom orthotics that are going to cost $420. Cha-bloody-ching. I’ve been doing stretches and icing my foot per his orders, though admittedly not as often as he said I should do it.

I contacted two other companies in Hattiesburg today in an effort to try to get my Mom’s headstone done. Walker Memorial in Laurel has been unresponsive to my last email and even to my Dad going in there talking to them. Guess they don’t want to deal with me. They could have had the courtesy to just say so. Hopefully, one of the two places I contacted today will have their shit together and will care enough to want to help. Pasha said she’d help me coordinate things if I need her to.

Tracey txted and emailed me last week. First, her txt asked when I thought I might like to be friends with her in the future and that it would be nice. Then, she emailed to ask if I wanted to go with her to the new Tom Cruise movie. I didn’t reply to her txt and emailed her back to say that, per my last txt to her a couple of months ago, I think it’s best if we’re not in contact because it causes me too much anxiety to see her name pop up on my phone or in my email. I told her that I think that we’re destructive for each other, as evidenced by all the conflict in our relationship. She wrote back saying it’s a shame that we can’t be friends and that she doesn’t think a friendship between us would be destructive, nor does she think our relationship was just about conflict. She said “We maybe shouldn’t have been involved romantically.”  Fucker.  That, in itself, is reason enough for me to say a big FUCK YOU to her idea of being friends. I am not remotely surprised to find out that things may very well be over with the woman she’s been seeing.

I’ve not gotten a lot of exercise in the past week. I went on a hike I signed up for through Burnaby Parks last Wednesday and I’ve really not done much walking since then. I’ve been feeling really anxious and somewhat depressed the past 5 days or so. It scares me when I feel that stuff coming on, because it always puts a fear in me that the pills are not working anymore or that I’ll fall back into the horrible situation I was in last year.  Being concerned about my weight and blood pressure are definitely not helping with the worrying. I keep reminding myself to just relax and let it pass, because it will.  I just wish it’d hurry up!

I finally finished the BOOST site a couple of weeks ago and that feels pretty good. I also did a brochure for a construction company that’s just moved out here to break into the local market. The guy is nice enough but he’s super high maintenance and he had a really bad exchange with Metropolitan Printers when they printed a short digital run for him. I met with a lady at a finance company yesterday in North Van and sent her a proposal today for design of a brochure for them. I’m also, at long last, almost done with the Nilistics web site. That project has dragged on for a record-setting length of time. They were finally getting irritated and I had to force myself to sit down and just finish building it. Just a few more changes and it’ll be out the door. $1,400 check for me.

Thinking about taking the bus to Metrotown and going to SaveOn or somewhere to check my blood pressure so I can see if it’s super high right now or if I’m just anxious and latching onto the idea of that being the problem.

Gotta pack up and get ready to leave.