Tuesday, July 7, 2009 – 12:47am – Couch York City, Burnaby, BC

Up late yet again. I have had the urge to sleep a lot the past week. I don’t know what it is. I can wake up and then want to take a nap again two hours later. I think the last couple of weeks of my sleep hours being so fried, combined with my worrying about work/money/house related matters, is draining me and my body is using sleep as a chance to “reboot” my brain. I went to sleep at 4:00am last night and woke up about 11:00am. Tracey came over for a while, we had leftover spaghetti and watched the Bachelorette and she went to work. I fell asleep on the couch about 8:30pm and woke up about 11:00pm. Hopefully, that doesn’t mean I’m doomed to be up til dawn.

I had the weirdest dream about Bonnie and her Mom right before I woke up. Something about Bonnie and I being together (but she was still married??) and her Mom was really upset with me, so I was cleaning up a room at her house to try to get her to stop being mad. Dreams never make any sense when you write them down after the fact, but seem totally sensible when you’re having them.

Haven’t done anything of much value the past few days. I did manage to motivate myself to go swimming at the outdoor pool at Central Park on Saturday. It was a nice day and felt good to go swimming. When I was walking back, I was thinking about that older man, Don, that I see at the park all the time, that lives in my building. I decided to take the full route around the park to come back home and, for some reason, went to the right of the second pond and, lo and behold, ran into him next to the pond and he walked with me back around to the trail where I usually come into the park. Weird.  He’s a nice guy and I like talking to him. Told him about geocaching and showed him my On Golden Pond cache when we were walking back.

I spent the entire day Sunday on the couch lying around. I didn’t even take a shower. UGH. I’ve been working on adding a few things here and there to the Design Groupies site, added a few new tshirt designs and sending out Twitter notices. I’m up to just over 120 followers now and about 75 “fans” on the Facebook page. Still need to get up to 100 on FB to be able to get a designated URL, so hopefully that will happen soon.

Talked to my Dad and Aunt Betty yesterday. Helped Dad figure out how to find some pictures he took that he thought he deleted by accident. He and Mar went down to the MS coast for 4th of July and he took some cool pictures of the fireworks. One he sent me looks like a palm tree. Neat.

Aunt Betty hurt her back throwing a bag of trash into the dumpster at work and she’s been in serious amounts of pain for the past couple of weeks. Talked to her again today to see how her appointment at the clinic went. She said they gave her a shot in her hip and she nearly passed out. Hope she starts feeling better soon. I’m happy that I’m talking to her more regularly. We were talking about my Mom and she said she thinks my Mom had stopped taking all her pills so that she would die sooner. She said that Mom told her that she was so sick of feeling bad and being sick and taking pills all the time and that she had to “do something”. It kills me to think that she passively committed suicide, but I think she knew it was inevitable that she wasn’t going to live much longer and so she just decided to do what she wanted to do with the time she had left – eat what she wanted, stop taking pills, etc.  I’ve been having a few hard days re: missing her and being upset about the whole thing. Sunday made 7 months since she died. I just look at her picture and still can’t believe she is gone FOREVER and I will NEVER talk to her again. It still seems so unreal.

I sent a request to USDA/RHS for the death document package and assumption agreement so I can finish getting that stuff switched into my name. I’m very nervous about it, but I hope everything will be OK and they won’t give me any problems in getting things changed over. Then, I have to shop for a new insurance policy. All that, coupled with the fact that I have to get another $800 together to send to Emily before August is stressing me out. My chest has been tight the past few days and it feels hard to breathe.

I’m up to a steady dose of 10mg of my meds now, which is good. I definitely think it’s helping. A lot of the anxiety symptoms are gone or significantly lessened since I have been taking the higher dose, which is a relief. I’ve been keeping a daily log of how I feel when I wake up, what time I get up, when I go to bed, if I eat a snack before bed, how I feel throughout the day, etc. for the past 3 weeks or so. Trying to see if I can spot a pattern in how I’m feeling related to my hormone cycle for the month.

Need to work on the Pedersen’s site layout tomorrow.  Going to watch the rest of the LWord episodes I have and try to go back to sleep at a somewhat reasonable hour.