Today was a bit of a get-nearly-nothing-done day.  I woke up at 12:30pm and laid in bed for a while. Deidre called to see how I was feeling since I had talked to her last night and had a few beers.  I talked to her for a few and then tried to motivate myself to get up and do something with my day. My intention was to go to Future Shop to return the USB hub and webcam that I bought last night, then to London Drugs to get a USB hub from there since they had more options.  I also wanted to return the pants I got from Costco that don’t fit and get some dishes and possibly shelves for the wall behind my desk.  The only one of those things that I actually ended up doing was getting the new hub from London Drugs.

I went for a two-lap walk around the park, stopping on the first go-round to feed the rest of the raisin bread and other loaf of Wonder Wheat bread to the squirrels and ducks.  It was drizzly, but I didn’t mind because it always means less traffic in the park when it’s raining.  I figured since I had several beers last night (and two each night the previous two nights, too…….ugh) that I would try to get some exercise and feel better about myself.

I came back and took a bath and got dressed. My intention was to go and do my errands, but I ended up talking to my dad on the phone for a while and then my mom. I talked to her while I printed out a bunch of photos to send to her.  Since she doesn’t have a computer, I’m left to the old-fashioned task of actually sending her hard copy pictures. I should send her a photo album to put them all in!  Hey, that’s a good idea for a Christmas present!

Laina and I were supposed to get together to go to Costco and Ikea and then carve our other pumpkins (we did our first ones the other night – mine of the Saints logo and hers of Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer).  But, I called her at like 1:00pm before I went to the park and she said she wouldn’t be ready in time, so I said I’d just go by myself and she could come over here later.  So, I called her at 6:30pm and she STILL hadn’t finished doing the stuff she was supposed to do and she said she’d call me when she was done.

I hadn’t talked to Tracey since Wednesday when we got into it about her work schedule.  I broke down and called her, mostly to bitch at her for the fact that she had gone three days without calling me after hanging up on me when we were bickering about her insistence on working the weekends the other day.  We went back and forth a bit and, at one point, she softened after saying that of course she would take a weekend day or the whole weekend off if she could sometimes and I was like “That’s not what you said!” and she said “Well, I’ve always said I would do that if I could – obviously, I’d rather be watching the football game with you than working if I have the choice!” and I was like “Yeah, but you said the other day you were going to work both Saturday and Sunday!” and she said “Well, I didn’t get to finish what I was saying” which I reminded her was because she hung up on me! Idiot!  So, then I told her that I was mostly pissed that she would go days on end without calling me and she starts saying how sometimes she just needs “a break” and I’m like “Do you think that’s what married couples do?  Sleep in separate places, not talk to each other for days at a time????” and she said “People take breaks sometimes” and I’m like “Well, if that’s the only way you know how to handle conflict in a relationship, that’s not something I can live with. People don’t get closer by being apart!”  Then, she said that if we weren’t fighting all the time, she wouldn’t want to have a break from anything.  

It’s really a mutual thing that’s causing this problem, but the root of it still lies with her.  Yes, she is seeing Karen, which is a good thing.  But, this whole thing has gone on for so long that she can’t just expect me to not only not have my needs met, but also to not have a reaction to the fact that my needs are not being met.  Am I made of fucking stone????  I told her that I could be more patient if her actions showed a change was occurring.  She said that she didn’t have a chance to implement anything that Karen told her because I was always nagging her.  Again, though, the nagging is a RESULT of something, not the CAUSE of something.  I just feel like if she would make a consistent, concerted effort to be more affectionate and verbally reassuring, I’m sure that my demeanor with her would be very different.  She also needs to understand that, as I told her, I can’t always be the bigger person. I am flawed just like everyone else and sometimes she needs to step up to the plate and be the adult in the situation.  If, at times when I’m upset, she’d take me into her arms and give me a hug and kiss and be soft and say something like “Honey, I know you’re upset and frustrated and I am trying to work on things so they’ll be better, but I just need you to try to be patient and both of us work on being better to each other while I’m working on it”….at least I would feel loved and that my feelings were being validated and cared about. But, when I freak out, she can’t see that I’m doing so because I’m hurt and react by giving me the love that I need.  She gets pissed off and says “Well, if you can’t be patient with me now, then you shouldn’t be with me.”  I can’t self-soothe all the fucking time!  I told her that I just cannot deal with her abandoning me every time we have an argument because I’m left to grieve over a pseudo-breakup not knowing wtf is going on.  Then, at the end of our conversation, she’s like “Like right now, I just want to get away from THIS.  I don’t want to be on the phone talking about this anymore.”  So, I said to her, “OK, how about this. Let’s talk again next weekend then.” and she hung up again – big shocker there.

So, I was talking to Manon on MSN and she said something about that Guitar Hero game she bought. I was asking her about it and she was telling me how it worked and stuff. It sounded cool and she invited me to come over and hang out with her and play, so I went.  Why the hell not?  I was bored, she was bored, Laina ditched out on me and my gf is being an asshole!  So, I went by London Drugs to pick up the USB hub and I picked up a memory card for Manon’s PS2 for her so we could save the game as we progressed.  I was wondering if the fact that I actually play guitar would make it harder or easier for me to pick up the game and it turned out to be a little of both.  We ordered a pizza and hung out for a few hours playing the game.  It was pretty neat, though it screws with your eyes after you stop looking at the screen.  The notes on the song come down the screen like the fretboard is moving towards you with coloured notes in various places.  When you look at it long enough and then look away, everything looks like it’s moving up slowly. It’s weird.  It’s sorta like when I take a walk around the park and then when I stop at the stop light, the road looks like it’s still moving.

I left Manon’s house about 1am and went and picked up my mail at the mailbox.  It’s so much nicer driving in Vancouver when it’s super late and no one is around.  You can actually get somewhere in a reasonable amount of time!

Yesterday (Friday) was an interesting day.  I was talking to Deidre on MSN and she got a new webcam. She uploaded all the pictures she took from Mawmaw’s funeral for me to look at.  I went to the photo gallery thinking I’d have time to glance through before seeing the ones of Mawmaw in her casket, but, damn, it was like the third photo in, so it was a little bit startling.  I looked through them all and it was sort of good to see everything because then I felt like I at least knew what had happened and stuff.  But, the ones of Mawmaw in the casket and stuff were just so weird. Seeing someone that’s dead is weird enough, and in photos it takes on a whole different type of weirdness because you really don’t get the real sense of them being dead. It’s more something you have to acknowledge on an intellectual level since it’s a 2-dimensional medium.  She didn’t look anything like how I remember her at all. Even when I saw her in December, she didn’t look how she did in the photos.  The one picture that really wrenched my heart was one of Dad standing at the casket with his cousin Karen and dad was touching Mawmaw’s face with the back of his hand.  I just thought that was so sweet and sad and gut-wrenching all at the same time….like he was being gentle with her or something.  My god, I can’t imagine how he must feel right now – and I hope I don’t find out any time soon.

Laina and I are going to try to meet Nikki Sixx at Chapters in Metrotown on Friday.  I hope we get to see him.  I keep thinking about what I’m going to say!  I was thinking about telling him how playing my guitar along with their music helped me through some rough times and, strangely enough, kept me out of stuff like drugs and drinking and smoking like all my other friends.  Also, I thought of mentioning to him how I made a banner that said “Crued in Baton Rouge” when I saw them play there and he pointed to the banner and gave me a thumbs-up. I was so stoked!  I wonder if I have mention of that in my old journals.  I need to dig out my old ticket stub from back then and see if I can get him to sign that.

It’s 4:22am now and I really should go to bed, but I’m still not actually feeling really tired.  Weird.  I did have a Coke Zero while I was at Manon’s, but jeez, that was like 6 hours ago. 

I don’t want to spend all day tomorrow in bed, so I’m going to try to go lie down and maybe watch some of one of the movies Tracey and I rented that we’ve not watched yet. 

PS: I am so weird. Every time I post a new entry, I will go back and read it and, inevitably find typos that I am compelled to fix! lol