Today has been a very long, but good day. It would have been finished if I hadn’t woken up coughing my head off from acid reflux after falling asleep for about half an hour on the couch. I’m so frustrated with the whole stuffy nose, crap stuck in my throat, reflux thing. I went to SaveOn today to try to get my Pantoloc prescription refilled, but it’s expired, so I have to go to the clinic to get another one, which I’m going to try to do tomorrow. I have to get a resolution to this crap because it’s driving me insane. It’s hard to breathe, my throat is raw from constantly clearing it and my nose could use a rest from the constant blowing, snorting and digging in it to try to clear it out enough to be able to breathe somewhat!
As it’s easy to tell from my entry last night, I went to bed really late and then had to get up to go to my last counselling session at NWCC with Eleanor. It actually was a pretty good session. Not long into it, I stood up and started writing on the giant pad of paper what happens after an argument when one of us leaves the room or the house or whatever. Basically, a broken record plays in my head, rehashing the whole discussion/argument and I keep going over and over again what other things I want to say. The main thing I realized in my sessions with Eleanor is that the reason I tend to continue on in an argument or re-engage after a big blow up is that I’m seeking a resolution and it’s hard for me to not have it, and naturally I want it as quickly as possible. I also noted a few other things I’m seeking when thinking and re-thinking things over and over again. I want to feel right or justified about the situation and also to feel better or, more to the point (as I told Eleanor), to stop feeling bad. Then, I listed a bunch of things I do to try to keep myself busy/distracted from the situation at hand. The vast majority of the things were active, such as: cleaning the house (the most typical), taking a nap (the only really passive thing on the list), watching TV, shopping, cooking/eating, talking on the phone, busying myself with work or projects around the house and I also copped to the occasional beer/wine spree, but thankfully I hate being ill, so I don’t foresee a future as an alcoholic!
The one thing that I told Eleanor that I think is what I need to be able to do is to stop the think-think-think process and just let things go and not feel like I have to always figure things out right away. Every time something happens, I always feel like it’s THE END. Even Bonnie said that to me a long time ago – oddly, not long before it was THE END with her – that I always feel like everything is over any time something happens. I wonder why that is….
So, then I said to Eleanor that I feel like I need to resolve things right away because I’m afraid people are just going to drop me and I worry that they don’t care enough about or value me enough to want to keep me around – like it would just be OK for people to just not have me in their lives. I told her that I thought it was about self-esteem and that I have some self-esteem issues. I mentioned it to Tracey when we were having breakfast after my appointment and she said she didn’t really agree. She said I’m very confident in my work, but I told her that it’s more in my personal relationships that I have the insecurity, which leads to jealousy and putting up with things and people that I probably shouldn’t. She said that she didn’t think it was a bad trait to not kick people to the curb the first time they do something out of the way. I agree, but I told her that it would actually be a better thing for everyone involved if I stood up for myself better because then, if the person really wanted me around, they’d shape up and the situation would be better for both people and, if they didn’t, then I’d be better off anyway.
The rest of the day was a marathon of running here and there, starting with picking up Tracey’s check at the studio and heading to the bank to deposit hers and the two I got in the mail – they were small ones, but still welcome in the box! We went to MEC to return the snowshoes so we can order the other ones off Ebay, but we had another question about the specific model the guy on Ebay has, so we have to wait til morning to hear back before ordering them. Then, we went by Tracey’s for a few minutes and then to fill up my car and then to Michael’s. We went to Marble Slab Creamery, a place I’d told Tracey about before, but have never seen here in Canada, so I was surprised to see one pop up at the new strip mall on Byrne Road. I had cheesecake ice cream with strawberries and she had chocolate with raspberries. I still think Mario’s is better!
Next, we went by Joyce’s office to set up the lights for the head shots I’m going to be taking of all the staff before their Christmas lunch tomorrow. It was quite interesting having to rig everything up because the light stands and umbrellas were ancient and not remotely what I had intended for Joyce to get! But, I took some test shots of Tracey and they looked pretty good with regards to lighting and shadows and stuff, so I think they’ll turn out OK.
After we left there, we went by PriceSmart and picked up some stuff we needed for Tracey to make the homemade chicken soup she decided she wanted to make. It’s wild to me for someone to make things from scratch! Then, we picked up The Nanny Diaries at Rogers and headed back here. I thought I was going to get to rest when I got back here, but then had to change the cat box, take down trash and recycling. My god, does it ever end???
I watched movie but fell asleep about half an hour into it and then woke up another half an hour later coughing my head off…damnit! So, now I’m still up and I need to try to lie down again, but I don’t want to start coughing again and wake her up if I am in the bed. So, I’ll probably prop myself up on the couch and sleep out here until she leaves. I took my last Zantac and some Rolaids to try to calm whatever the hell is going on in my stomach/throat. Damnit, I’m so frustrated with it!
Heading off to try to get some sleep!