Monday, September 27, 2010 – 5:51pm – Couch York City, Burnaby, BC

I’ve been feeling so exhausted for the past several weeks. My sleep schedule is totally backwards and I’ve been staying up half the night – usually til around 4:00am – and sleeping in til way later than I’d like – IF I actually get a full night’s sleep, which I usually don’t. My sex drive has also been nearly non-existent for a month or so now, as well, which is obviously not normal for me.

I’ve been doing a lot of exercise – for the past several weeks, I’ve been doing Jackie Warner’s Power Circuit Training DVD and writing in my new blog, Deep Fried Fitness. I’m seeing some results – have lost about 7 pounds and almost 2″ off my waist, which is great. I’m so happy to be dropping some weight finally! I’ve also been noticing some differences in my body – I actually am starting to get a bit of a nice round butt, which is a first in my whole life! Guess all those squats are paying off!  My upper stomach area is also starting to get some definition and shape which is really neat to notice.

The trade-off seems to be that I have been feeling anxious again – which seems to happen any time I’m losing weight. WTF?  I thought it was just my period that was causing it, but that’s done now and I still feel anxious and I’m starting to feel a little resistance to wanting to go do things that I’m scheduled to do – like the tennis and squash lessons that I’m enrolled in at the moment – and that really scares me. I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Tan for Wednesday so I can go in and talk to her. I think I really need to get my hormone levels tested. I’ve noticed a consistent correlation between losing weight and being anxious. Any time that I’ve lost any significant weight in my life, I’ve had problems with anxiety. My blood sugar levels seems to be all over the map, too. I have been eating less and have been, for the most part, avoiding sugar for the past while, so I don’t know if I’m having sugar withdrawal or what the hell is going on. All I know is that it sucks!

I went to my first appointment with a new counselor at the New West counseling center today. Her name is Ashley and she seems nice. I had to go through what happened to my Mom with her and I had a really hard time keeping it together. I cried a lot. At the end of the session, I had to sign a form to let her look at my records from the other counselors I’ve seen there and she wrote down Victoria Alfonso as her supervisor. I told her that I used to see Victoria and that I’d love to see her and say hi if she was there. When I left the room, Victoria was in the waiting room and she gave me a hug and we went outside and chatted for a couple of minutes. She said when she saw it was me, she was really excited but she couldn’t say anything because of confidentiality. So, I’ll be going there every Monday through April when Ashley will be done with her training there.

I’ve not been doing a lot socially lately. After the craziness that was the spring and summer, I wanted to take it down a notch and spend more time at home. I’ve noticed that since it’s started being more grey and rainy, my mood and stuff has definitely declined as well. God, I just don’t know what is going on, but it really scares me and I hope things improve soon. I’m trying really hard not to get all freaked out and worried that I’m slipping back into the bad anxiety and depression that I was dealing with last year.

Gotta head out for tennis lessons now. Hopefully happier news for next post!