I was talking to Deidre earlier about a thread on the Columbia Camera Club web site where someone had posted some photos from the gay pride parade in Columbia and a link to some pics from another parade in Austria. Someone had apparently taken offense somehow to something someone said, which made no sense to me since nothing that was posted was remotely offensive in my opinion – and I’m the target demographic to be offended in this case.

I then read some of the other posts farther down the page and did come across two from some of the guys in the camera club that I did take offense to. They were basically talking about the "gay lifestyle" and how they didn’t dislike gay people, but didn’t agree with how they live, don’t like them "shoving it in everyone’s face", etc.  What a bunch of ignorant knobs.  Talk about outing themselves…….one of those "methinks thou doth protest too much" type of things.

I couldn’t help myself and I decided to post a reply.  Given that I’m a very average person and not of the hardcore dyke variety, I feel I’m a good "ambassador", so to speak, for people who have a preconceived notion about gay people. In a lot of cases, I think it’s mostly about fearing or being uncomfortable with something that’s different from them, they don’t understand, etc.  So, I feel like if they meet someone like me, maybe it’ll give them pause for thought in their thinking.  Maybe not, but maybe so.

Here’s what I posted to the site:

Pardon my poking my head into this discussion, but I just couldn’t help myself. As a member of the non-heterosexual persuasion, this conversation, you could say, applies to me more than anyone else (so far as I know) who’s put in their two cents. Warning, this may be quite lengthy as I tend to be a bit long-winded! 🙂

Prior to some of the more recent comments, I didn’t find anything remotely offensive about any of the feedback anyone had posted about the photos of the pride parades in SC and Austria. Yes, some of those costumes were hilarious! Yes, the people wearing them mostly likely did so to elicit a reaction – one of amusement, one could argue in most cases. Deidre and I laughed wildly at some of the get-ups we saw people wearing in a lot of the shots and good fun was had by all. Now, keep in mind, our laughing at the outfits had nothing to do with laughing at the people themselves – ok, maybe in a FEW instances, but only in an OMG, what were they THINKING sort of way! lol We were amused by the outlandish style of dress, which is likely the intended reaction from the person wearing such out-there attire. I mean, if someone dresses up like a pirate or Batman or Fred Flintstone, wouldn’t it be safe to say we’d be noticing and laughing at them, as was most likely their intention in dressing that way and going out in public? Of course. There’s no harm in being amused and expressing amusement at something which is clearly intended to be ridiculous. And, sad to say, there are plenty of people from all walks of life that are plenty ridiculous without even trying, but I digress….

I have two points that I’d like to address which I DID, however, find offensive in the ensuing discussion. I’m hoping that my feedback may offer pause for thought to those who seem to have a more, let’s say, "defensive" tone re: all things "homo". First, it should be noted (and can be confirmed by my wonderful cousin with whom you guys have the chance to hang out with regularly – and I am terribly envious of that fact!), I am the farthest thing from a rainbow-flag-waving, man-hating, attend-women-only-functions type of person. I do not identify with that sort of stuff and don’t feel the need to segregate myself from the population at large just because I happen to be gay. I have more straight friends than homos-in-arms – I frankly don’t feel I’m any different than anyone else, thus I don’t feel the need to hang out only with other gay people – what a way to narrow your options for friends! With that information in mind, I’d like to address the two points I mentioned…

First, the notion of a "gay lifestyle" is very offensive to me. Now, I understand that some gay men like to go to bars and dance or women like to play softball or whatever. However, straight people also do those things, so I hardly think they qualify as deserving of a "lifestyle" label. A visit to my house would find, I presume, the same sorts of things as anyone else’s house – furniture, art on the walls (and, no, there are no semi-nude/nude images of women anywhere), food in the cupboards and shelves full of books and DVDs. I own not a single chandelier, nor do I seek them out to swing to and fro hanging from them. I would argue that, with the exception of the gender of the partner who stays with me here sometimes, my "lifestyle" is nearly indistinguishable from any one of you. So, when I hear someone saying "I just don’t agree with their lifestyle", it strikes me as a very ignorant statement as it really has nothing to do with anything about lifestyle, but about contemplating someone else’s intimate activites which is, frankly, none of anyone’s business but the people involved. *I* certainly don’t sit around giving thought to what YOU do in YOUR bedroom, so why is it any more necessary when the tables are turned? Maybe I don’t agree with who someone spends intimate time with, but I certainly don’t feel I have a right to an opinion about it or to use it as fodder for segregating them in my mind. Unless I’m doing it with them, it’s none of my business.

Certainly there are fringe members of any subgroup who fit the stereotype – Italian guys that act like an ex-Sopranos cast member, women who are not great drivers, men who won’t stop and ask for directions and, yes, gay men who are swishy and promiscuous. The point is that it makes no more sense to paint all gay people with the "I don’t agree with their lifestyle" brush than it does to say all Italian men are mobster-wannabes. It’s simply an inaccurate portrayal of the group at-large. It might also be worth considering why someone might act in an overly-flamboyant way. Lots of gay people grow up dealing with verbal, and sometimes physical, assault on a regular basis. Lots of people have to hide who they are for fear of persecution or ostracism from their families or peer groups. So, it’s not difficult to see how someone might "overdo" it when they feel liberated enough to be who they are openly. For others, I think it can be a defense mechanism to put it out there before anyone has a chance to "attack" them on that basis. Get it out in the open right off the bat, so to speak.

Second, I find it absurd for people to say that gay people are "shoving it down our throats". So, only people who are similar enough to not make you uncomfortable are afforded the right to be who they are? Should, then, an amputee, be forced to cover a prosthetic limb when in public? Should a little person walk on stilts to put them at the same height as an average person? Is it being suggested that one person should disguise who they are for the comfort of someone else? Would you not agree that the issue lies with the person who’s uncomfortable, not the person who they perceive to be so different? If you don’t like someone who has green hair, should they be obliged to dye it brown so you will feel better about it? I’m sorry, but no one is entitled to "comfort" at the expense of another person’s right to be who they are – obviously, within reasonable limits of common decency and respect of others.

The bottom line is that it’s no more shoving it in people’s faces for a gay person to hold the hand of their partner, or show affection to them in other publicly-acceptable ways, than it is for any two heterosexual people who engage in those same practices without a second thought for who may or may not be looking. This suggests a double standard. Should black people still have to ride at the back of the bus then? It’s a very similar mindset – separate rules for people who are different in some way we can’t quite handle.

Finally, when I hear someone who says "I don’t have a problem with gay people – just their lifestyle." one feeling comes to mind – mistrust. That says to me that someone might behave civilly to my face, but might just as likely be talking about me behind my back when I walk away. Honestly, it’s a very emotionally vulnerable place to be. When someone outright declares "I hate homos!", at least you know where you stand. I also feel that the more someone feels the need to qualify their statements with "I don’t have a problem with gay people…it’s not because they’re gay…", the less likely I am to view what they say as sincere.

Sorry for the long post, but I just felt maybe there was some light to be shed from the perspective of someone on the other side of the scenario.

As an aside…I don’t personally get the whole concept of a "gay pride" parade any more than I get the notion of a "lefthanders unite!" parade. To me, feeling the need to parade about declaring pride says that, deep down, there’s some sort of shame that requires a declaration that you’re NOT ashamed. I don’t feel any measure of shame, nor pride. It simply is.

That’s just my personal opinion about it and I think others are free to do as they please if that’s what appeals to them and how they choose to express themselves. As a life-long fan of Superman, I obviously don’t have issue with men prancing around in flamboyant outfits! 😀