1 February 2002
Yes, so it’s been a while. Not much has been going on….literally. Work’s been really slow. We’ve been worried about our financial situation for a while now, which is very tiring and puts a lot of strain on us both.
My granny’s been in the hospital for the past few weeks with pancreatitis and she is having a hard time keeping food in her stomach. They’re worried she’ll get pneumonia because she’s in the bed and having problems keeping liquid she’s drinking or eating from going into her lungs rather than into her stomach. It’s all a big mess. I’m really worried that something will happen to her and I’ll wish I had had time to spend with her more over the past few years. I don’t feel right about being so far away from my family when my grandmothers are getting really old. The fact is that they’ll probably both die within the next 10 years, if that long, and I don’t look forward to getting those calls. I have a picture in my head of my granny when she used to keep me when I was a little kid and I just adored her. She always told me that we’d be big buddies and big pals no matter what. I wonder if she still remembers that now. It’s strange what a big impact my grandmothers have had on my life. I was very close to Verdie and I still mourn her death, which happened almost 15 years ago. Sometimes, I dream about her, but in the dreams she always knows she’s dying or says she is or she is already dead and I see her anyway. Those dreams really make me miss her, although, it does give me time to “spend” with her. I wish they were on a happier note when I have them, though. I cherish the video that I have of her with me when I was little. I want to have it transferred onto a VCD or DVD so that it’ll keep longer than the video tape.
I’ve also been thinking about what’s going to happen if I don’t get some work. I really can’t get a job in Champlain because I don’t have anywhere to stay over there if I did and I certainly can’t be crossing the border all the time coming back here. I have thought about going to Louisiana and getting a job for a while, but that would be SOOO hard on Manon’s and my relationship. But, what other options do I have? I’ve been doing everything I can think of to get some new work coming in. The sad thing is that I’d only need a couple of projects to stay afloat. It scares me that I’m only about $2000 away from disaster at any time. I need to learn how to manage my money better, that’s for sure.
Wouldn’t you know that Bonnie would have to IM me today, for the first time in probably three months or something. She told me that she saw Chris, a girl that we used to know from the Hideaway bar, in WalMart the other day. And, I care about this, why? I dunno why she thinks I’d care about that. I thought she’d had enough of talking to me and that was fine as far as I’m concerned. It’s not that I have feelings for her or anything, it’s just that it’s annoying to be reminded of that stuff just when it’s starting to fade into the background where I’d like to keep it. I really do believe that the only reason that I was in that relationship was to learn what NOT to do in future ones.
I talked to Susie yesterday for the first time in ages. I heard a Tesla song on Spinner and it made me think to call her. I was too embarrassed to tell her that’s what made me call, so I didn’t tell her. I’ve told her that many times before, so I thought it would be best just to not bring that up again. Dunno….that’s probably stupid of me anyway, but who cares. She said that 5 people in their family have died within the past six months, including her aunt and Mike’s grandfather. Being this age really sucks because it means that all the older relatives start dying and the family starts dwindling. It’s strange how, only at this time of my life, have I really started to feel like family is an important thing. I only wish that we were all still as close as we used to be. I remember the days when everyone would show up at Granny’s house and there’d be a big table of food there for everyone and one of those silver aluminum christmas trees with tons of presents underneath for all the grandchildren. My god, I can’t even imagine how many grandchildren she has now….13, I think, with 3 greatgrandchildren that I know of. How weird that my granny is now a great grandmother.
We went to see about Manon’s student loan last night at the Caisse Populaire. We went to Place Domaine and it was the wrong branch, so we had to walk for about 20 minutes in SERIOUSLY freezing weather. I couldn’t feel my thighs by the time we got there. She’s getting nervous about her finances because she has almost 12,000 to pay to the Caisse over the next ten years and 6,000 to the Bank of Montreal, which she’s been paying for a while and almost 5,000 to start paying to Leon’s in September. It’s starting to overwhelm me, too. Please, let me get some damned workkkkk!!!!!!!
Anyhow, I should go take a shower and get dressed and maybe take out something to make for supper. SHIT….I just remembered that we have to pay the rent today……..ugggggggggghhhhhhh
On that note, I’m off.