September 16, 2003

I was so tired at work today cuz I hung out with Laina last night and didn’t get to bed til late.  I had a few beers at Red Robin when I went out to eat (by myself…I think that’s the first time I’ve gone to a sit-down restaurant alone….I felt sorta like a loser, but I wasn’t that uncomfortable) and a couple when Laina and I were chatting at Wazubee.  So, with lack of sleep and the beers rumbling in my belly, I wasn’t feeling great at work today, but I got through it, so that’s progress for me.  Usually, I just up and run or don’t go in or whatever at the slightest discomfort.  I guess I’m happy that I feel like I can’t get away with that much there, because I’m not trying to and I’m being held to a higher level of responsibility and behavior than I have been in a long time and I think that’s good for me.

The Lasso site is going over well with everyone at work.  They like it and they finally decided on a logo they like (thank god for Barry…..he was about to lose it) and I’m building the pages now.  It’s weird that I’m basically charged with determining the look and presentation of both the corporate site AND the interface.  It sorta makes me feel semi-special and somewhat powerful.  I guess I’m flattered, too, that they trust me and think enough of my skills and talent to assign such an important project to me.

I spent a lot of time writing Tracey a letter that’s, so far, 11 pages long.  I decided to try to call her tonight and I actually ended up getting to talk to her.  The fact that she didn’t slam the phone down on me is good, I guess.  We talked for a couple of hours and, while she didn’t really give much on anything, she wasn’t yelling or being verbally abusive, I feel better at least that I’ve gotten to explain to her how I feel about stuff.  She said that she feels like she wants to stay angry at me.  I think it’s at least partially because if she stays angry, she can keep me away and if she can do that, she can avoid being in a position that she can be hurt.  I told her that I’ve explained to her how I felt and that, now, she needs to decide what’s more important and valuable to her and her life – our relationship (ie: letting go of the anger and trying to deal with things and move on and change things for the future) or protecting herself (ie: staying angry and keeping me back).  I feel sort of at peace to a certain degree now that I’ve at least had the chance to say what I was feeling.  Now, it’s basically up to her and I’m not going to call her or anything again.  Because, if she doesn’t find things valuable enough to make the next step, then it won’t work anyhow.  I told her that I missed her and she said that she missed me, too, so I guess that’s a small step if, when she’s feeling that angry, she can admit that to me.

She did get angry at me because I told her that I’d emailed Kendrie to see if I could get my Six Feet Under DVD set back from her.  She felt like I was doing something behind her back and that I had no right to contact Kendrie.  It’s not that I’m interested in being friends with her or anything.  I just want my damned DVDs back.  Tracey gave them to me as a birthday present and they’re sentimental to me.  If she’d not loaned them out in the first place, I wouldn’t have needed to contact her.  I didn’t know if Tracey was going to be talking to me again or what and I didn’t want Kendrie giving them to her and her wrecking them because she was mad at me.

I still feel very scared about the whole thing.  I’m afraid that it’ll just end up being more of the same.  But, she DID keep her appointment with Judy today, which totally shocked me, so I think that’s a step in the right direction.

I just know that I DO NOT want to get back into a situation where she feels like she can lay all these demands on me and that I’m expected to comply or else she’ll threaten to run out the door yet again.  If that’s the type of relationship that she is interested in giving another go, I am not interested in being a part of it.  I don’t want to feel like my partner is my warden.

She also went off a bit about the cat and how, if she ever slept over here again that the cat would not be sleeping on the bed while her dog had to sleep on the floor.  I asked her why she was acting that way about the cat when she was the one that got her for me.  She said that it was because the cat was going to take away from her and her dog.  It was just a totally irrelevant thing to bring up in the first place, not to mention completely irrational.  I told her that I thought she was looking for things to reinforce her anger towards me because she feels like she wants to continue to be angry at me.  I asked her how she would’ve felt if I’d not called her for two weeks or a month or whatever and she said it would’ve made her angry.  Anger is one word (and concept) that’s getting its fair share of use.

I just really am afraid at this point that things won’t be how I’d like them to be – different.  So, I guess I’ll wait and let her call me, because I’ve said what I needed to say and if she can’t do her part to come a few steps in my direction to go from here, it’ll never work.  So….I guess we’ll see what happens.  I’m happy that I don’t feel so panicky about it, though.