Sept. 5, 1996

I don’t know who I’m writing this to. Just writing, I guess, to get it out of me. I was just sitting here realizing I haven’t listened to my CDs in a week. The Pretenders are playing now. I’m really trying not to think too much about me and Bonnie. I miss her so much. I want to call her so bad right now, even though I know I shouldn’t. I should wait for her to call me when she’s ready. I wonder if she thinks about me as much as I think about her. I really doubt it. She doesn’t have to wonder if I want her or miss her, she knows I do. I just hate not knowing what’s going on in her head. Just what’s going on in general. Work is okay. I really feel important and needed there. I just wish I could make more money there. I find myself comparing me to Bonnie. She’s doing so well at work and making good money, bonuses, trips and all kinds of stuff. I just don’t feel like I’m as good as she is. I’m not sure if it’s just the money or just the fact that she’s handling something so well that I couldn’t handle. I feel like she doesn’t think I’m good enough because of how much I get paid. SHe would probably slap me if she heard me say that. It’s just how I feel a lot of the time. I don’t know where my life is going. I try to flirt with other people to get my mind off her, but I just feel guilty, like I’m doing something wrong. I’m not interested in other people, but sometimes I wish I were. I know that’s not what I want, but a distraction seems like it would be such a relief. I guess I’m trying to convince myself that I can just forget about it and it’ll go away. I should know by now, that’s not the case at all. "She Only" just came on and, of course, it only reminds me of Bonnie. I’m really trying to let go of her and wanting her so much, but it scares me. I’m afraid I won’t care at all anymore. Then, where would I be. This is all so confusing. I think I’m afraid of becoming numb. Pain sucks, but at least it’s something. At least I know I"m still breathing.

I find myself wanting to do things for myself a little now. I want to get my hair cut, start wearing makeup again, care a little more about how I dress. I still get scared at the thought of a social setting, though, and it makes me mad. I’m really trying to deal with all this anxiety that I feel. I feel that I have come a long way since all this started, but I just resent the fact that I have to deal with it at all.

I wish she would call! Just once, I would like it to be her saying she misses me and wishes I was there. I had hoped she would leave me a little note or something at her dad’s the day she left, but she didn’t. I was kind of disappointed, but not really surprised. Well, enough pity party for tonight.

(A poem that was written in the notebook on the page between the ones this entry was written on)

My mind swirls
With thoughts of you
Of us, really; Together
Holding each other, eyes closed
We’re not thinking of anything
This could go on forever
You look in my eyes
And I in yours
I’m so helpless, you see
But, you would never harm me
I see the tenderness you
Try so hard to hide
And you let a little go
Every once in a while
But, then, draw back
When you see you have
Let go more than you want to
No one can harm you that way
There could be a million stars
And yours would find mine
We’re meant for each other
You and I.