Sept. 7, 1996

I’m really bored. I’m sitting here thinking about going and getting some wine or something. I just want something to make this crap go away. I talked to Bon for the first time in three days. She just doesn’t even talk to me the same. It’s almost so formal or something. I’m so scared. She’s not going to want me back and then I have nothing to look forward to. I mean, I do – school, work, but it’s not an kind of a replacement for us. God, please just let this nightmare end soon. I keep thinking of things I could do – drink, go out, go somewhere, anywhere, but I don’t REALLY want to do anything. I want someone to tell me it’s okay and things are going to work out fine.  Am I just doing this out of self-hatred or what? It seems like I’m doing it just because I’m used to being upset. I just can’t stand this wait-and-see crap.

I’m trying to decide if I want to go back to school or not. I really feel like I should. I want to, but I’m scared – of failing again, I guess, but look at me now, I mean really, doing nothing is not making me a better person. I can’t even write a decent sentence anymore. It amazes me how somebody like Linda can just work at Michael’s and be content with where that puts her in life. I just can’t feel that I’m doing all that great there. There’s got to be more. I think school is what I really need. There’s a definite goal there. It’s something tangible to work towards. I mean, I still don’t know what I want to do with myself other than own a business. That still feels like what I want to do. Of course, that’s what I want Bon and me to do. I am so pathetic. It’s just that everything in my life for five years has been planned with her being a part of it. I just want to sleep and forget all of this. It just comes back in the morning, though. When it comes down to it, I don’t really have any friend that is there for me. Emily would be, but I can’t call her. Willie is sick of hearing it, but now. I don’t blame anyone, though. I would be sick of hearing it, too. I AM sick of hearing it. Even sicker of feeling it. Damn, I want some wine.