Sept. 12, 1996

Today was crazy at work, we are two days behind on the work. I got a little anxious on the way home. But, I didn’t freak out, I handled it, so that’s good. Bonnie didn’t call me last night, big surprise. She was probably out having fun somewhere, while I, like a fucking moron, sat and waited for her to call. But, I know it’s not her fault, because she said, "Don’t sit home by the phone." She knows I will. I’m trying really hard not to call or anything. Failing miserably, I might add. She said she would probably call me from the hotel tonight, if she wasn’t doing anything. I just wanna be gone somewhere when she calls. But, I don’t want to miss the call. I’m retarded. I know I should probably not do it, but I just feel in my heart that I’m gonna win in the end; get her back, I mean. Something just tells me to ride out the storm, and it will work out. Maybe I’m a food, but I believe true love conquers all. Why didn’t she tell me she didn’t want me to wait? Does that mean she wants us to be together again? Is she going to date other people. I think that would kill me, but I have to make myself realize that it’s a possibility. I just don’t see how she could do a 180 like she’s talking. If this is really her, I don’t know her at all. But this is where I feel that it’s not going to last. Anything to cushion the blow, huh? If these feelings are her real ones and this is who she really is, I don’t think I like her very much. I think that scares me most of all. I know that the woman I hold and make love to will always love me and wants to grow old with me, but she has to decide which one of these people she really is. That’s not smething I can change. I guess that’s why I feel so helpless.