Sept. 17, 1996

I spent the night at Bonnie’s last night. We had the most incredible time. It has never been like that before. But, she just got up right after it was over. She just hurts my feelings so much when she does things like that. She said, "So, what? Another 3 weeks?" I said, "No, I don’t think so." Meaning, not that long. She said, "We’re not going to do this all the time." I said, "Oh, okay." She said "We did it because it felt good." That made me mad. Maybe that’s why she did it, and maybe even some of the reason I did it, but it was still an expression of love, at least on my part. I could never be with someone I didn’t love like that. I asked her if I was wrong in wanting to wait and she said, "Well, I don’t know. I mean, I know we’re not going to get back together while you’re still living with your mom and still dependent on her, until you’re independent. I have always thought you had so much potential and you’re not doing anything about it. I know I can’t be with you until you reach that potential." I understand what she’s saying and even why, but it’s like she’s saying "you’re not good enough now, come back when you’re more worthy". I do want to get back in school and make something of myself, I’m just so afraid that I won’t be able to handle it, or that I’ll fail at whatever I try. I know I can do anything I set my mind to, but I also know that I have to want it for me, not to get her back.

I feel like I should want to go out, and drink and stay out all night and act crazy and let loose. I want to be able to do that so bad. I’m just always so scared of the consequences. I think I keep myself from a lot of fun because of thinking too much about it. I am going to change that. I feel like I’m 80 or something. I remember when going dancing and having two or three drinks was a hell of a great time, and I miss it. I’m starting to not mind being alone some of the time. I’m sure I still would rather be part of a couple, but I don’t have to make conversation when I’m alone. I’m going to be young dammit before I’m not. I think I’m going to see Mrs. Debbie tomorrow.