Sept. 27, 1996

I spent the night with Bon last night. We rode around and looked at the eclipse a little. We just sat around and watched T.V. and snacked. It was okay. She asked me why I come over there if I’m just bored all the time. I told her that I feel like if we don’t do something great and we didn’t have great fun that she wasn’t going to want me over there. She said "No I just don’t want to feel I have to entertain you every time you come over. I’m okay with this. Are you okay with this?" I’m not sure what THIS is. I would like to know whether the time we are spending together is working towards making us a couple again or if this is what we’re gonna have instead. We are more than friends, I know that, and I know she loves me, but I cna’t stand not being able to talk to her about it without fear that she’ll close off on me. I don’t want to push, but I can’t stand this wait and see stuff.

I left from work early today. I’m sorta mad at myself for it, but I really didn’t feel good. But, I know it would’ve passed if I would’ve just let it. I’ve been doing really well when I’ve gotten anxious or nervous lately. By the time I got home, I was feeling better about that, but I came ina nd started crying about this whole situation between me and Bonnie. I love her so much. I can see that she loves me, too, when she looks at me or touches or holds me. The problem now is I’m tryin gto hold on to her again and I can’t do that or this whole thing is pointless. Patience is a virtue. I am about to fill out this thing for school. I am so scared about it. I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it. But, I’ll never know until I try. I can’t let the past or even the present get in the way of the fture. I just have to press on. I want to do this so bad!