I watched a bunch of episodes of Sex and the City and decided to come to bed to try to get to sleep at some semblance of a decent hour. Um, not so much. It’s almost 5:00am now.

I decided to type up the stuff written in the blue notebook that I wrote in right after Bonnie and I broke up. Entries were dated from early September of 1996 to November of 1996.  I was stunned by how nearly identical my feelings were then to how I feel now about Tracey and the whole her acting aloof and me not wanting to call, but wanting her to call me, blah blah blah. Further irony: today (November 16th) would have been Bonnie’s and my 17th anniversary had we stayed together. Hard to imagine!

This was also when I was going through the anxiety before. Again, identical feelings of frustration when I would have a bad day and anger at having to deal with it in the first place.  I’m so glad I have all that stuff to refer back to and the timing is really ironic, and not remotely lost on me that I would decide to re-read and enter that stuff now.

I feel like I’ve been compelled to sit down and get the rest of this stuff put into my LiveJournal and I haven’t been able to figure out why. For one, I guess it gives me something to do that keeps my mind off the current situation for the most part. But, more than that, I think I’m being led to do it, because there’s something to be learned from the past that is relevant to my present. And, I feel like I am learning things about myself, but I haven’t quite processed it all yet. Probably because it’s 5:00am and I’m still friggin’ awake. Not for long….

Over and out for the night….errr…morning.