September 18, 2006 (12:29am)

Yet another occasion of me sitting here typing in a 95-page Word document when I should be working or sleeping.  But, I’ll get to that later…

Deidre got here on Thursday, the 14th and we’ve had fun taking tons of pictures per usual.  Friday, she took some pictures of me at the community garden by Tracey’s house and some of those came out really nice – I had on the white v-neck hoodie shirt and brown vest I got from Old Navy which really seems to suit me.  I was also sporting the new Fossil cuff watch I got at Buckle in Bellis Fair on Thursday – I was so excited to get it!  It has a blue face with no numbers (just lines – I much prefer that to actual numbers) and a thick brown leather band – very cool!  So, we went with Tracey to Ikea to get a couch just like mine for her apartment – enough with the really uncomfortable and squeaky one she’s been using all this time!  We were exhausted after all that – it was quite a comedy act us getting the couch into Tracey’s van and trying to tie it in so it didn’t fall out of the back hatch while we were driving back to her place.  We all three went to Martini’s for dinner and I pigged out – the food was good and so was the Sleeman’s Honey Brown on tap!

Yesterday, Deidre, Manon and I went to Maple Ridge to Golden Ears Park – it’s so beautiful there and I was sure they’d both enjoy it.  Tracey didn’t come because she had to work.  We stopped at Swiss Chalet in Maple Ridge to eat lunch and I started crying a little when the waitress sat us at the same table where I sat with Tracey’s mom the last time we went there.  It was a little depressing, but I guess we have to learn to get through that stuff, right?

The park was spectacular and we took a ton of photos – of me, of Deidre, of Manon, of all the surrounding trees and water and scenery – I remember just how blown away I was the first time I saw that place – I couldn’t believe such water existed – so clear and beautiful.  We saw some kids cliff diving near where the river meets the lake and Deidre shot a bunch of photos of them in continuous shooting mode and it was fun to see them on the limb, falling through the air and then hitting the water in the next shot.

We went to Tracey’s after that and had a BBQ and I had a mini-run-in with Carol – she is so rude and disrespectful and Tracey asked her to not bring her dog and the one she’s babysitting into her house and Carol wouldn’t listen and I just said something about why couldn’t she listen to what Tracey says when it’s her house.

Tracey, unbelievably, actually was semi-annoyed that I had said something and I was in disbelief, being that I was defending HER in the first place!

Deidre and I went to the Waterfront – with Carol’s pool pass; not like I feel guilty considering that I’ve done tons of computer shit for Carol and went with her to Deep Cove to take photos for a project for which she never even offered to pay me a dime – she is the cheapest person on Earth!  We had fun at the Waterfront – went in the pool for a couple of minutes and stayed in the hot tub and then sitting around it for over an hour talking to some people from Southern California.  One of the guys SO looked gay but apparently wasn’t, given that his wife was in the hot tub with him, though she didn’t remotely look like someone he would be attracted to.

Today was a bit more boring – woke up at 8:30am to Tracey calling me to see what I was doing – what the fuck do you think I’m doing at 8:30am on a Sunday?  I’m SLEEPING!  I don’t know why she thinks she has the right to wake me up all the time.  If I did that to her, she’d be so pissed off.  Of course, it’s par for the course for her to treat me differently than she expects for me to treat her.

I am PMSing, so everything seems to suck at the moment – and a lot of it does! 

Tracey went to see Karen Kranz on Friday (only nine months after she said she was going to see someone!) and I said something earlier about us making an appointment to see her together on the Friday after next when she has a dentist appointment again so I know she’ll be off work.  She starts hemming and hawing about how she doesn’t have anything else to say and she knows what we need to do – “What?” I ask – to spend more quality time together so we’ll get along better and feel closer, etc.  Basically, let’s spend more quality time together to see if she wants to be with me or not.  What a fucking insult after four years of being with her!  I agree it would help if we made time to spend together doing things other than chores when she’s off work – I couldn’t, frankly, fathom what that would be like!  But, as I told her, I don’t trust us to do that.  We haven’t until now, so why would we start at this point?  I’m also quite pissed off that she is, once again, not taking into consideration what *I* need and want to happen – ie: us going in together.  So, I said to her that I couldn’t understand how she could not know whether she wants to be with me or not after all this time and that, while I agree we should do more fun stuff together, it’s not always going to be fun and games and it has to be something that will sustain us in everyday life if it’s going to work long-term.  Then, she says how she can’t tell me anything because I get upset about everything and how she has to censor herself. I said that I’d like to know how she thinks I should react when the things she supposedly can’t say to me are personal things about me that affect me.  Am I supposed to have no reaction at all?  I told her that maybe I should stop being her girlfriend and maybe we could “date” if she wanted to figure out whether she wants to be with me or not because then, maybe I’d stop feeling so resentful and I wouldn’t be offering her a package she has yet to decide if she wants to offer me.  It’s fucking bullshit!  She said, “It’s up to you. If that is what works for you, then that’s what we’ll do.” And going on about how why am I saying all this now when she’s making an effort.  Then, I told her that things like this very conversation are what we should be discussing with a therapist and I left the room.

Things I hate right now:

This relationship
Myself for putting up with the shit I put up with in the relationship
Having clients nag me constantly
Having clients who think I am supposed to drop everything I’m already doing and work weekends and nights when THEY decide I should do something for them RIGHT NOW (Read: RENNIE)
Feeling like I have to do whatever everyone else wants me to do so no one thinks ill of me
Ferris scratching my chair when I’m sitting here typing!
Feeling like I have to stay up and work when I am tired and want to go to sleep – which I’m about to do right now – FUCK THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!